Am I a Top or Do I Just Have ADHD? - Discussion Monday

Serious question this. 

I like cumming, who doesn't, but I am not a big fan of getting oral sex. 

When I masturbate, I tend to just watch lots of porn. Either in my head or on my phone, depending on what I am in the mood for. I watch lots of little clips, because they have the most action (I really don't care about the 'storyline', most of them give me the ick) or compilations because they are nothing but action. 

I might do this for ten or fifteen minutes and then get the wand out. And put it on my clit. When I get to the point where I might cum, I edge myself and pull back, still watching the porn. Since I hit menopause I have had to relearn where my pleasure comes from and what makes it truly rock so edging is how I get to have those rolling orgasms that just don't seem to want to stop. 

The best thing about masturbating though is that it is something that I do. I can break off and type a post if I think about it and get back to it, or I can hyperfixate on one aspect or one video. I can take my time, because my pleasure is in my hands and it is not responsible for someone else's sexual self worth. Or mine. I don't have to worry that I am taking too long or that my brain wandered off and got distracted by something shiny. (To demonstrate this point, I took a break from writing this post about here to go and masturbate. Then I had food. Then I answered emails. Now I am back.)

When someone is going down on me, I mean, when a man is going down on me, it can be really good and nothing to do with his technique, but it will generally take me ages to cum. We have been sold oral as a prelude to the act, not something to enjoy for itself. It has been sold to men as something that they do to 'earn' getting their dick wet. And that puts pressure on me. Because I have been socialised to please men. I grew up with images of women making sure there is a hot meal on the table when he gets home from work. I have been socialised to not be demanding, to see asking for what I want as demanding. I have been socialised to think that men are doing me a favour by going down on me and the best thing I can do is not be too much of a bother and cum quickly so he doesn't have to do very much. I have been socialised to feel GRATEFUL when he does do it. 

By fuck the bar is low and yet they still seem to find a way to pole vault under it.

Then there are the men I have been with who say that it is their "favourite thing to do". They are insistent that you just "lie back baby, let me take care of this". Gives me the fucking ick. Because they are not responding to your body, your wants, your needs. They are responding to their own egos so they can show off. "Yeah, I always do it, she doesn't even have to ask, do you?"

I am no longer throwing those men a parade. It wouldn't help anyway because they would be down there, licking away, in the wrong spot (I once told a man to go a bit higher to be told that it was ok, he got this. Sir, you did not got this. You were not even close) and I would be wondering where to get cheap crepe paper for the floats.

You see, it is likely that I have ADHD. This means that I can focus on things for a Very Long Time, but also that I can be distracted by OOH SHINY WHAT IS THIS?? Or if I don't concentrate, I find my mind wondering and have to stop myself answering the question, "How does that feel?" with something like "Did you know that the plural of moose is moosog as it is originally an Algonquin word?"

And I have a feeling that this is the main reason I am a top with women. I will eat that kitty like it is my favourite meal. Savouring it, making sure that the woman it is attached to is having a good time. Listening to her breathing, the movement of her body, the position she is trying to get into to make things feel better. I will ask her how that feels, without her being under any pressure to say good if it doesn't, I will tell her how beautiful her vulva is, I will make her feel like I am doing this because we both want it. We will communicate and I will hyperfixate on making sure we are both having a good time.

If she wants to take a turn (notice I did not say repay - this isn't a fucking transaction, it is sex) I will allow it but she will be told that it is unlikely that I will cum like this. I am more likely to cum from scissoring with her, looking her in the eye as we both cum. 

When we are having a cwtch, I will be fine (more than fine) with her instigating things, but I will be the one who takes over and takes the lead. I love it, but also it will stop me thinking about what we were just watching. 

I am a top. But is that because I have ADHD? I would love to know if my experience resonates with you or if you are neurodivergent and have a different take on things. Either way, the comments are open so we can talk about it. All are welcome here.

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Learning How My Disabled Body Loves - Discussion Monday

I love my body, I really do. I spent more years than I actually want to admit to abusing it, ignoring it and taking it for granted. 

My body used to run. Not far, not fast, but it did it and I felt good about it. My body used to kickbox. It would spin and kick and punch and spend all day in the gym toning and conditioning itself. 

My body used to walk ten kilometres because it was a nice day and who wants to spend that on a bus?

My body danced all night, and walked home afterwards. 

My body once walked from Birmingham to Stratford Upon Avon because I spent my train fare on beer.

My body used to fuck all night. It could get into any position you asked of it and would grin at you. It could wrestle with you, that glorious wrestling that led to primal, growling, biting fucking.

My body used to.

Now, it keeps me alive and that is about all it does. No, that is unfair to it. My body cannot run, but it can tell me when I need to rest some more. My body cannot walk far, but it can get me to the bathroom. My body cannot dance all night now but it can still feel music. 

My body cannot fuck all night, and when it fucks at all, it is going to feel it the next day. So does that mean that I no longer have sex? No, no it does not. It means that sex is different now that I am disabled and as such I am learning how my body loves again. 

And it is so much fun. For example. Before, I could jump on a cock and ride it for ages. It was one of my favourite things to do. Now, I can still get up there (just) but I have to take my time. I can't just push him onto his back and roll on, now I tell him, "get on your back" and I kiss all over his face, neck and torso while I position myself. Now, instead of sliding right down, while I adjust my hips to make them as comfortable as they can be, I hover, I take just the tip of him inside me. I order him to keep still and take my time sliding up and down. I might put some lube on before I do it telling him I'm getting ready for his cock. That anticipation and slower pace is proving to be quite the thing. 

We can still do missionary, but for not as long as we once did. I use a series of movements with my hands to show him what I want. If I put them on his shoulders or biceps, it means ease off a bit, if I grab his (very lovely) arse, it means go for it. When my hips or legs have had enough of this, I whisper "cum for me" in his ear. 

Doggy style is still doable, especially on the stairs as I can control what angle I am at and how I am most comfortable. If we get it right, my body and I, we can shout things like HARDER! FUCK ME! and of course, for us, it is close to the bathroom so if I have enough spoons to shower straight away I can sit on my stool and let him piss on me then cum on me, the shower taking care of the clean up and fresh bedding is put on the bed while I am in there as I am going to need to sleep.

I can still do group stuff, but I have to rest and save energy ahead of time and rest and replenish energy afterwards. Group stuff is easy as I am passed around like currency, but I get to stay pretty much in one position. 

Just stay away from my nipples unless I tell you to play with them. My new nervous system does not like them even being perceived 99% of the time.

I did, when I first lost mobility and embraced the chronic pain and fatigue that my impairments bring, mourn my new lack of spontaneity, but actually, I now masturbate in front of SH on the days that touch that isn't mine is too much, give him more blow jobs than ever before and watch him masturbate as I read to him from this blog. He especially likes the corset one.

So my sex life isn't bad, it is just different, and just as importantly, SH understands that and loves the changes that have had to happen. If you are with someone who says that they wish things could go back to the way they were rather than helping you relearn what your body likes and incorporating that into your sex life, bin them. I'm serious. They do not deserve you and you deserve better. 

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